Whoops! I forgot that I was going to write down a brief account of my very successful therapy appointment on Friday.
On my first appointment, Sara had just had a meeting with a teen and their very angry, transphobic mom. (Sara is a gender therapist, but she also does regular therapy – I’m there for both reasons.) She had to recharge a little bit before letting me in.
This time, her last client was apparently doing very well (I saw them on their way out; they were so pretty!), so Sara was very high on energy and let me right in. We yammered on like we usually do since both of us just love to talk. Then we got down to business.
She commented that I looked happy, but I think she’s starting to realize that the “bubbliness” is kind of my default face. The one I show to the world – the mask, if you want a melodramatic term.
I had been having dreams about my ex and waking up missing her and feeling horribly depressed, despite being on a regular medication schedule again (finally!). In the appointment, I decided to talk about it, but I couldn’t get out three words before breaking down crying. So much for positive energy, I guess?
We worked through a lot of stuff, though, including my past abuse. She confirmed that it was indeed abuse – something none of my therapists have ever agreed on. I remember that washed-up old psychiatrist at the mental health center telling me that it wasn’t a big deal and my past therapist telling me that since it wasn’t rape or “real” molestation, it didn’t count. Apparently when an older teenager coerces a younger teenager into having sex with them by whining and making them feel guilty, that’s not a bad thing at all.
Anyway. I bawled my eyes out about my ex, recounted my abuse (which she validated), talked about the way my dad has been pressuring me into getting a job – something I have no control over beyond applying, which I’ve been doing in spades! – and tried to explain the anxiety I have over texting friends back or answering/making phone calls.
I also discussed my borderline symptoms, which she thought was perceptive of me and didn’t deny like others have. She’s really good about affirming and validating my thoughts without coddling me or telling me I’m perfect – something I respect massively.
I just really love her and I’m so incredibly excited to be working with her. I’m also excited and nervous for when we start talking about transition. To use my little sister’s terminology, I’m “nervoucited”!